Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mommy. My mother told me that I have always acted like a mommy to my cousins, siblings, dolls...pretty much anything that I could. I want to hold a little person in my arms, coo at it...I have names picked out since I was little. I want to have a little person depend on me, come to me for help, to count on me. I want to be able to go to my parents or my grandparents home and show my child to them. I want to go there and tell them that this is my husband and this is my little girl or boy. Sometimes I feel so strongly that I cant hardly breath, I can hardly think...I want a baby so much...and I dont know what to do.....
Monday, January 10, 2011
I think Im going crazy...I see and hear things that I know arnt there...I get chided at just a little and I want to go away. Ill be fine one moment and the next Ill be crying. I get frustrated at little things that didnt use to bother me. i feel like Im failing at everything I do...There is this person...who as never been here before appeared a few weeks ago and now i hear her all the time..Ari trys to keep her away but it dosent always work. I want nothing more than to be the perfect girl for him but I feel like...im not good enough...idk
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Some times you say things and I never know if I should be concerned. Things like pointing to the door or saying Im not collared yet...I mean...if you love me then why would you say or do something like that? Is it to make me hurt? Do you just not know how much that hurts me? What is it? What can I do to make you stop doing it? I need to be able to feel safe and secure...I need to know with out a doubt that you wont wake up and tell me that you want someone thats pretty, smart, sexy, and so on...I need to know with out a doubt that I mean something...that I didnt give up my family for nothing..because now that I have gone down this path I cant take it back.