Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I can't be verbal so I write

I want so much to share my feelings with you but for what ever reason i just can't. So I write them down in hopes that I will one day be able to share them with you. I feel so...not me. I want so desperately to be happy but my brain wont let me. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage and there is no hope of ever being free.

When you yell at me my heart hurts and it retreats and makes me feel like I'm no good. I try hard and sometimes I forget things like setting the alarm. I don't mean to but sometimes it happens. I know as a slave I shouldn't expect you to notice when I do something or even give me praise but when I do something and you discount it...or say that I really didn't do something it hurts me...a lot. I am working on not caring and being all slave but its hard and I'm struggling. In time Im sure I will be able to not care and serve you in every way...I really can't even think of anything else...if I do Ill add to it...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I can't

I'm trying to be the strong person that he thinks I am but I'm not. I keep failing at most everything I do. I try so hard to be pleasing and good but in reality I cant. It hurt me so much to know that Im not good enough...not strong enough...not deserving. He should have someone who is pretty, sexy, smart, obedient, good cook, good cleaner, everything Im not.

I want to tell him everything thats going on in my fucked up brain but I cant get the words out. I stumble and freeze and feel stupid for feeling like I do. He wants me to talk to him and tell him whats wrong instead of letting an alter take over. But I dont know if I can do it that way. I just dont know if I can keep the happy face on much longer but I dont want to loose him...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Why do I feel like this?

Why do I feel like going under a rock and never coming out? Thoughts race through my mind non stop. I loose control and want to do things to myself...or others. I cant act on them but they are there. My heart hurts. I long for something but I dont know what it is. I feel like Im crazy like if anyone knew they would hate me. I cant talk to anyone. He wants me to talk to him but I just cant talk about things that inolve me and my feelings. I fear that Im crazy and he will think that too. I mean who wants a crazy girl? God damn it whats wrong with me? I just want to cry, scream, do something stupid. But i cant be crazy..I cant be...i just cant be.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Christmas is almost here. Its kinda overwhelming. I see how much hurt there is around me. I see people who have less than me...more than me...the same as me...I want to give what I can but I cant even make Christmas for my own family. I want to give him something but I cant...I dont have any money for it. I know its my fault we are low on funds. If I had been working we wouldnt have this problem...but I just had to complain about my ankle. I honestly should have sucked it up and kept working. I knew how much we need the money. He wants me to be honest with him about the pain and I am....for the most part. I take the pills and keep the pain down as much as I can. I want to work but I just dont know if I can. Im going to try though. The money is good. Maybe she can give me something stronger so that I wont feel anything. For now I am going to suck it up. I cant stand to see him stress over the bills because Im not working.

School is almost over for the year...Two finals left. My ethics should go just fine but Im scared that I wont do well on my sociology final. Im studing as much as I can but I dont know. The good news is I should do a lot better next term. I hope anyway.

I feel like...Im always in trouble. I always mess up. I cant just go through the day as a good girl, I have to mess up get in trouble to much. I hate to hear the dissiapointment in his voice...see it in his eyes. I wish sometimes that I could just sleep and not wake for a while. Its hard to deal with dissiapointing him.


I think im going to go "sleep" for a while. Arianna can take over.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Thanksgiving is fast approaching...

Last year I spent Thanksgiving alone, in my parents basement because my Grandparents said I was not welcome to attend the family dinner. I sobbed on my bed for hours, punched a cement wall, yelled, screamed, then made some cookies. When my family returned they were happy and well fed. They talked about how much fun they had playing the games and seeing our family...It broke me even further to see how much fun they had at a place I was not welcome. As the holiday approaches this year I was getting excited. Thinking about all the food and fun we would have at my Grandparents. Ive been telling Master about all the games we play and the yummy home cooked food my Grandmother makes. Today I called my Grandparents to make sure it was okay that we attended Thanksgiving this year and once again my heart was shattered. My Grandfather told me that we were not welcome to attend. If I wanted to attend I must come alone and break up with Master. My family does not want me, him, us. At the moment nothing matters anymore. The thing I was looking the most forward to I will once again not be able to attend. Sigh so much for a loving family.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Hi there

Well hello there,

I'm Pet Tessa. I am a young slave girl and have a loving Master. This blog is to share my journey as a slave and pretty much anything else that pops into my head. :-) If you want to know anything about me just ask. I love to answer questions and get to know people.